It’s actually so sad to plan your own birthday events.
But it’s sadder to know that if you don’t, no one else will and you’ll end up having the worst 18th birthday ever.
I kind of feel like crying tonight.
As much as I miss Zac all the time I’m away from him, I miss him so much more tonight. I feel like I need him here just so I can fall asleep. I want him to be cuddling me again and kissing me in the morning. I just feel really lonely tonight. I need him.
You spent all your children’s inheritance money from their mum on your own personal debts and costs. You then have no money saved to help buy your child a car. So your eldest saves her own money to buy herself a car, she manages to save a few thousand. Then she starts college and needs to pay some accommodation fees upfront, you still don’t have the money so she uses her own savings to pay for all of her college accommodation and supplies including a new computer.
I hope you’re proud. I hope you achieved all of the fulfilment you were hoping to achieve from parenthood. I hope you can look back on this and tell yourself you did everything right for your kids.
I tried so hard. I was so excited.
Then to just be told everything I want is impossible. That tere is literally no hope for me to have the things I want. It’s your fucking duty to do these things. It’s your job to help me with these things. You’re supposed to be proud of these things that I do and the things I achieve and help me do better and go further. But you just say no. I can’t take it.
Not at all keen
So I turn 18 in like a month and a bit and I gotta say I’m not keen really much at all.
Like every other major event or holiday in my life, I’m going to gee myself up and get way excited hoping for some big surprise gift that I’ve wanted forever or a big party or something special to make it special. But that actually just won’t happen. Because it never does.
I only want 3 things for my birthday. They’re pretty big things but they’re actually necessary. I want a new laptop/macbook since my 3 year old laptop is literally falling apart and I’m about to start uni in the next couple of months. Or I want a car, any car. A second hand, cheap car that just has four wheels and an engine that can get me places without catching public transport everywhere. Either of those things, or just some money to add to what I’ve already saved to help me buy these things when I inevitably don’t get either of those things for my big one-eight.
That probably all sounds really selfish of me. “What about the starving kids in Africa?” “What about the poor kids who don’t have any money at all?” Well okay I’m being a selfish brat on my birthday. Sue me. I know the day won’t be made special in any way so I might as well get something I actually want instead of the standard clothes from the clearance racks at JayJays, cheap make-up kits or shitty jewellery I don’t ever want.
If I get one day in my whole life to be special and just about me, I want it to be that day.
There’s a lot more people following this blog now, it’s doubled in the past couple of days.
Weird, since I don’t even post anything good on here.
I’m actually so happy that I got to be with my brother and sister today. They still hate eachother and me, but I miss them. I haven’t lived with them for almost 2 years now and it’s nice to spend time with them. We had an alright day. And now we’re all sleeping under one roof for the next few nights and that makes me really happy that they’re just here with me and I know where they are and that they’re okay.
Here’s A Thought.
I feel like I’d actually be better off at the age of 17 to get pregnant and move to Melbourne. I seriously think that is a good idea haha yep I’m insane but being seen as a child and being hated by everyone here just sucks.
One Big Happy Family
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wanted a mum and a dad, brothers and sisters, all living together and getting along. I lost the mum, so I tried the dad. But it just hurt, emotionally and physically. It hurt to be there, and it hurt to leave. Now my sister has done the same. Depending on where she moves to, hopefully she’ll be part of a big happy family soon enough. It won’t be her own mum and dad, or her own brothers and sisters, but it’ll be as close as she can get. And maybe she’ll be alright in the end. I’ve got one more chance at being part of a family like that, but this time I’ll be the mum not the daughter. Let’s hope it doesn’t get as fucked up as this did. I love my brother and sister more than anything, I just want them to be okay.
